I've been very pessimistic and inactive due to the two-out-of-three failed surgeries I've had in the past year.

I go in for fourth and fifth surgeries in 34 hours.

1. I will suddenly become more active on DA. (will probably post a crap-load in July when I can walk up stairs to my scanner, but until then I'll be commenting like crazy on stuff)
2. The recovery time should be less than last year? *fingers crossed*
3. It will actually work this time so I can work out again and get back to my normal weight (30 pounds lighter than I am currently)? *fingers crossed*
4. I won't be screaming in pain as much since I'm both mentally prepared and one surgery will be very minor? *fingers crossed*

I'm officially a senior in college.
But I can't enjoy it because I'm fat.
. None of my cute clothes fit me.
. I feel like I'm not allowed to give helpful diet advice (which, my diet is BANGING right now since I'm trying to lose a few as a head start without exercise - lost 5 in 5 weeks without making my tummy rumbly-uncomfortable)
. I won't get the "sexy" roles or be taken seriously as any character "cute" or "sexy."
. I now KNOW how hot I was. Like, I'm VERY aware of how sexy I used to be when I was healthy. So I got body peace for my OLD body?
. I am covered in stretch marks like I had three children. Some places actually look like I got CUT.
. The amount I want to lose is 40. Like in my entire life it's always been 10-20. 40 makes it sound so serious. I mean, yeah, I'm medically overweight for the first time in my life, so it IS serious.
. I feel like I can't talk about it because people are so quick to say "you're fine." I'm NOT. I'm UNHEALTHY. AND I KNOW I CAN DO BETTER.
. The career I'm going into wants me to be 135 for 5'8". I'm aiming for 145 (because that's the thinnest I've been at this height and I was healthy and proud and I feel like any smaller and you'd start seeing the spaces between my ribs which is a huge turn-off for me).

The nurse at the doctor's office recorded me as 10 pounds lighter than I actually am which spared me a weight-loss lecture. Because. I know what I'm supposed to do. So hearing about it actually has a reverse effect on me.

I had my first "migraine" yesterday.
Like.
I used to see those commercials for migraine medicine and scoff,
but JESUS CHRIST.
Like.
I was screaming.
It felt like my head was going to explode.
I was racking my brain for a memory of hitting my head, because it felt like my brain was swelling.
I felt bad having my mom massage my head on Mother's Day, but I'm not allowed to take any pain meds this week because of the surgery (which is probably why it got so out of control like that)
I am so sorry to people who get those on a regular basis. That sucked.

My strategy for this surgery is to be very pessimistic so that no matter what I'll be pleased.
I'm almost positive i will need a sixth surgery, but hopefully it's just taking the plate out like they're doing to my right foot this week (one-day recovery basically for that one).

GOOD OVER-SHARE NEWS:
I'll be able to use the toilet-that-I-can-flush-because-it's-not-a-bucket right away, if not the next day.
My mom laughed that that's the most exciting thing for me.
And the non-embarrassing regular car ride home (last year I needed an ambulance because both surgeries were reconstructive and I couldn't even do wheelchair-transfers for a month)